The Hit-Sit Program
We've been very open about our difficulties disciplining our son, Miguel, who has insurmountable temper issues. Our family and some of our close friends can attest to this because they have witnessed firsthand the meltdowns which have been very much taxing to us, his parents.
If you are following me or Mike on social media, you might have noticed how lately we've been flooding our feed with posts about Miguel, who, from being Mr. Grumpy, always shouting and hurting his sister and never apologizing, have shown so much growth in his character.
We started disciplining by spanking when he was 2 and quickly realized Miguel's behavior worsen. There used to be times I would really question our decision to have another child thinking it should be easier. Times too when I doubted the power of prayer but was always reminded about grit in one way or another. By and by, I noticed how physical touch actually soothes him during his bad days.
Boy, I never thought I'd see easy days of parenting him.
Earlier this year, Mike came across a podcast episode on The Knowledge Project featuring the author of Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline, Barbara Coloroso, and he encouraged me to listen to it.
It was a 2-hour show! I was initially skeptical listening to it thinking where in the world will I get a spare 2 hours for this and even if I had the extra time, how is this any different from the other parenting materials I've already come upon?
But I quickly realized the beauty of recorded media is that you can always pause somewhere and start again some other time. So one early morning, while the kids are still asleep, I decided to use my free time to dive into the podcast instead of doing mindless things on the internet.
As much as I hate admitting my husband was right, the episode turned out to be the missing ingredient in the specific parenting recipe we've been trying for quite some time now.
The Hit-Sit Program
There were so many takeaways from Coloroso's talk about discipline but the very thing that stood out for me is the If you hit, you sit method. The idea is basically for the parents to be in-control in situations where the child becomes out of control. How, right?
The very next moment Miguel started having an outburst, I decided to channel my inner Barbara.
Back in February, after a week of spending time in Manila, Mike had to go back to Singapore for work. A few hours after he left, as I was hanging our laundry, I heard the kids yapping at each other. Both rushed outside to raise their complaint and plead their cases to the high official—me. Apparently, Miguel got angry and threw a toy directly at his sister.
On a normal day, I'd too probably would've yapped—fed up at how our son keeps reacting violently whenever things don't go his way. But it wouldn't be any different if I did. The cycle will just go on and on if I don't break it.
So I stopped whatever it is I was doing and listened to their appeals until Miguel, feeling guilty, said, "I will just live on the streets. Remember, you said if we are bad we can’t stay in this house?"
Making sure I won't aggravate the situation, I kept my cool and started conversing with him privately. "But Mommy will miss you if you leave," I responded. He then started rummaging through his closet and packed his clothes in tiny loot bags we got from a birthday party. He seemed to be determined.
"Because I am a bad person, I keep doing bad things, so I will just leave," he replied. I knew it was time to bring in the big guns. I finally said the impossible, "Okay, I’m going to give you two choices, you either stay in your room or sit on my lap." I could not seem to persuade him as he continued to grumble and tried to reason some more.
I repeated myself but this time in a firm manner. Still bitter, he agreed to sit on my lap but he specified that he wouldn't talk to me. Well, since he said nothing about not wanting to hear from me, I decided to take control of the reconciliation process by apologizing first despite not having role on why he was feeling this way.
"I’m sorry if Mommy said something that hurt you. Don’t leave me. Mommy will miss you so much. And even if you did something bad, Mommy and RyRy will forgive you." Then I continued to ask him about his plans, "If you leave, where will you go? What will you eat? Where will you take a bath or poop?"
Miguel eventually broke his silence and cried while saying, "Because I miss Daddy! Why did he leave me again? Why does he have to work in Singapore? Why can’t he just work here? Why can’t he buy more tickets [extra tickets for us] to Singapore? Because Daddy is my playmate. He plays with me."
The cat is finally out of the bag.
I didn't know what else to say but to tell him I miss Daddy too. But it seemed like he was not quite over processing his emotions yet that after our conversation he stood up from my lap and tried to negotiate with me by giving me 3 options: he leaves, he will not clean up his toys, or he stays but will never talk to me ever again.
At this point you're probably starting to think this will not get any better and that I should reconsider spanking.
Three things I was reminding myself while this was happening---patience, process, and how being in control is different from controlling.
Since I understood that his anger is actually sadness manifesting, I knew he really needed the time to process it so I told him I am okay if he doesn't like to talk to me. I left him on his own and continued doing my chores.
A moment later, Miguel came up to me and told me, "Okay you have one more option: What if I talk to you, I forgive you, I love you again and I will not leave anymore?"
"That is the best option ever!" I replied.
Consider This
Immediately after what happened, I wrote everything down and reflected on it. I then went on to dissect every single detail and tried to understand my child's personality even more.
First, children, most of the time will not naturally misbehave, do mischievous things or commit mayhem. There’s always a reason behind every action.
Here, I believe Miguel had a hard time acknowledging that he's actually sad that his father left him again. And just like any other introvert I talk to, when things get too overwhelming for them, their initial reaction is always anger. Unlike extroverts who can immediately express their feelings, they need time to process emotions. Based on observations, Mike and I have a strong feeling that our son might be an introvert.
As they process their feelings and emotions, don't immediately leave them with their own thoughts. Try to make time to sit with them because they will need a shoulder or in this case a lap to cry on when they finally get to the bottom of why they're feeling what they're feeling.
Second, it's also a failure in our part as parents for not setting the kids' expectations and helping them with the transition prior to Mike leaving for Singapore. One day we were having fun, swimming in the caves, then the next thing you know his Dad is on the plane leaving him behind. I now learned that we need to acknowledge that kids aren't fully able to handle sudden changes in their environment and that we need to prepare them ahead of time.
Third, Coloroso's concept of discipline: A very out of control child needs a very in-control adult was stuck in my head. She said that hitting a child or, in most cases, screaming at them, will destroy their self-worth. If a child starts to get overwhelmed, we have the power to respond differently. I don’t think Miguel and I would've left the room that morning with both our dignity intact if I added fuel to the fire. As one beatitude says, strength under control.
Lastly, I learned over the years that it doesn’t hurt to apologize first even if you know deep inside you didn't do anything wrong. It's not always about winning an argument. There's nothing to be won if you lose the relationship. And I know as a parent, it's not easy to admit that we're wrong and even more, concede to our children. Coloroso reiterated in the podcast that, we [parents] all lose it, we all yell and scream at our kids, but you always have the chance to make it right and fix things.
Although I may have found another fix to my parenting woes, it does not guarantee perfection. Our son still loses it sometimes. He still gets frustrated. But I also believe in maturity and that we will not always be where we are today. That the most important thing is we learn from our day-to-day, adjusting here and there, and that our children are worth our patience, love and understanding.
P.S. — I think adults should also practice the hit-sit program where you sit in one quiet corner, take deep breaths and/or maybe call a friend when things get too crazy to handle on your own.
Are you going through a similar phase in your parenting journey? We'd love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below or send us an email at hello@lifewithkids.blog.